Striders Paranormal Investigation Agency
by HiddenHikariAppend
Summary: Bro, Dave, and Dirk's parents go out of town for a couple weeks and they decide to start up a paranormal investigation group and try to get some ghosts on tape. They aren't too psyched to break and enter random buildings, so can you imagine how stoked they are when the first ghost they meet is actually trapped in their own house? Stridercest: Bro/Dave/Dirk, sideship of John/Kat


A/N: This fic was inspired by Feux Follets old Hetalia fanfic Jones Paranormal Investigation Agency, so this is a throwback to one of the best fics I've ever read!

"My name is Bro Strider. I never believed in ghosts until I came face to face with one. So I set out on a quest to capture what I once saw onto video...With no big camera crews following us around, I am joined only by my little bro, Dave Strider, and our cousin, Dirk Strider. The three of us will tra-"

Dirk dropped the camera down to his side, "I don't know, like, you can't just totally rip off those guys on the syfy channel."

Dave let out a sigh and folded his arms as he looked up over his shades, "Uh, Ghost Adventures is on the travel channel, and if you ever confuse those jackasses with the Atlantic Paranormal Society, I swear I will call your mom to come get you early."

Dirk rolled his eyes as he lifted the camera back up and pointed it at Bro. The oldest Strider cleared his throat as he looked back into the lenses. "Anyway, the three of us will travel to some of the most highly active paranormal locations, where we will spend an entire night, being locked down from dusk until dawn...Raw...Extreme...These are our ghost...uh...encounters..." Dirk stopped rolling and Bro looked over at Dave. "How'd that sound? Ya'll, we're gonna be like...youtube famous so fuckin fast."

Dave stood up and slid his phone in his back pocket as he joined the other two blondes. "I mean, we need more than just a sweet ass intro. Like...what are we even going to do? I've got a math test in first period tomorrow, how am I supposed to spend the night gettin' possessed? Be sittin in class with my head spinning around. My teacher'll be like "Mr. Strider, please answer number 6" and then I fail cause I'm speakin' fuckin tongues and no one can understand me and-"

Bro bit as his lip and scratched his head, interrupting Dave, "Yeah, you're right, dude...I've got football practice tomorrow…" Bro side-eyed Dirk who shuffled nervously. Dave smiled as he took the hint to shut up.

"Band camp starts tomorrow for me." Dirk replied, feeling their eyes boring into him. Dave snickered and Bro nearly doubled over in laughter. "What, what's so funny? It's like, kind of hard work and-"

Dave waved him off as he wandered back over to his chair. "Nah, no need to explain yourself. I'm sure the ghosts will be real afraid if you just play the tuba at them. I would be."

"Already fucking shaking." Bro added in and Dirk sighed.

"Whatever. The point still stands - we don't have anywhere to investigate, right? I don't think anyone's going to watch us creep around your house all night."

Bro and Dave grew quiet, nodding in agreement. "How long's your mom gonna be outta town again?" Bro asked.

Dirk shrugged, "I don't know, like a week or two? Your mom went with her, did she say anything?"

Bro and Dave shook their heads. "Nah, but they said if I can't handle ya'll I can call 'em anytime," Bro answered and punctuated it with a wink, "but I think I'll be okay."

Dirk clicked off the camcorder and sat it on a table, "Well, I guess I'm going to bed. If y'all think of something to do, tell me tomorrow. Later." He was already halfway up the stairs and out of Bro's basement-bedroom when he threw a short wave over his shoulder. The other two Striders shrugged and watched him go. He made his way through the unfamiliar house and up to the guest bedroom. He pushed one of his aunt's weird wizard statues into a corner and faced it against the wall. He stared at it for a moment before tossing a sheet over it.

"Maybe we should just investigate Aunt Rose as a whole…" Dirk said to himself quietly as he unzipped his pants and slipped them off. He pulled his shirt off as a well but froze with it pulled over his eyes.

He had heard something.

He stood like that, silent and still, for a few moments before tugging his shirt off all the way. He opened his door and peeked down the hallway. "Dave?" he called but received no answer. He could still see the basement light flickering through the hallway. He shrugged and closed the door, flicked out the lights, and climbed into the bed. It took him a while to settle in. He could hear loud music from Bro's room. Someone was cooking a four course meal in the kitchen at 2 am. No wonder his cousins were falling asleep in class all the time, did they ever sleep at night?

The blond pulled a pillow over his head and tried to block the noise out. He laid like that for at least thirty minutes, wishing for sleep. Eventually, he heard footsteps down the hall, towards Dave's room. Finally, he thought, they're going to bed.

The music from Bro's cave room quieted down as well. The house was finally silent and Dirk smiled slightly to himself. He felt himself just about to fade off into dreamland when he heard a low, guttural moan.

"Oh...my god…" he said to himself as he pulled the pillow tighter over his head. This can't be happening. He tried to block the sounds out but they were relentless and growing louder. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and pulled open the door to his bedroom. He made his way quickly down the hall to Dave's room, ready to pound on the door and tell him to knock it off when he realized something was off.

That wasn't Dave's voice. He took a deep breath as he raised his fist to the door. He gave two hard knocks. The moaning continued. He knocked two more times before he heard Dave speak, above the moans, "D-Dirk…"

Dirk froze. He placed his hand on the door knob and started to turn it. "This is so fucked up…" he said to himself quietly as he pushed the door open. The room was dark and cold. He took a step inside slowly, "Dave, look, I-"

Then he saw it.

His eyes lifted from where Dave lay in his bed, eyes trained straight above him, at the pale, glowing mass of light. It was vaguely...person shaped from waist up. It hovered there, staring down at Dave, occasionally making wailing noises. It almost seemed like it was trying to communicate.

"Dirk...l-lights…" He heard Dave breath out and the figure snapped its face directly at the taller boy. Dirk reached for the wall, fumbling in the darkness for the switch, his eyes never straying from the apparition. Finally he clicked the light on and the being screeched. It seemed to fall backwards however it was still very much floating. Dave managed to pull himself upright and grabbed for the closest thing he could reach, a lamp, still plugged in the wall. He gave up on that quickly and hurled a pillow at it.

Dirk watched the pillow phase right through the creature. It looked up and, in the light, Dirk could make out facial features. It had ashy, grayish skin, and messy black hair, and two tiny horns poking out of the scruff. It opened its mouth to reveal tiny, sharp teeth. It let out another groan before Dave managed to pull the lamp from the wall, stood on his bed, and swung it right through his head.

It actually managed to knock him around, toppling to the side of the bed where it stopped half in the floor like some kind of video game glitch. Dave stood above it on his bed, wielding his weapon as Dirk watched from the doorway.

"Aaarg!" The creature wailed as it floated back up to eye level with the two boys, one gray hand scratching at its head. "What in the FUCK did you DO THAT FOR!?"

Dave took a step back onto the lamps cord and fell down onto his butt on the bed. Dirk took another step deeper into the room. "Wh-what are you!" Dirk yelled at it, more of a statement than a question. It turned to face him.

"Boo."

Dirk made a confused face as he looked at Dave.

"I'm a goddamned GHOST, what else would I be, shit for brains!?"

Dirk and Dave shared another glance before they heard footsteps running up behind them. Bro slid into the room in nothing but his boxers and socks, pillow in hand, "You fuckers having a pillow fight without me!?" He cheered before he slowly dropped the pillow. "Yo, what the fuck is that?"

"I'M A GHOST, FUCK, WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO!" The creature exclaimed as chains appeared around its wrists. It rattled them angrily and floated around the room, knocking objects off dressers.

"Hey dude, I get it, pick my shit up. That's not cool." Dave called and it looked back at him, seemingly pushed even further.

It stopped for a moment and took a deep breath. "This is the part you all run out of the fucking house and never come back." It informed them in what would have been a polite way if it hadn't been nearly screaming it.

"Uh, why?" Dirk asked as he picked up the discarded lamp and plugged it back into the wall. Bro had a finger stuck in his ear, zoned out, staring at a wall. Dave yawned.

"What, I, what part of GHOST didn't you understand!?"

Dave laid back down, tugging his blanket back over him as he rolled onto his side. "The part where you screamed even though we're all in the same fucking room."

Bro took a step closer to the creature, reaching a hand out to swat at it, watching his hand turn a vaguely red hue as it passed through its chest. "Rad," he said quietly to himself and the ghost floated a bit higher and out of his reach.

"I don't understand you idiots! I'm a being from beyond the fucking grave, aren't you scared!?"

"Not really." Dirk replied quietly and the ghost growled. "This is actually kind of a lucky break."

Bro smiled back at him, "Dude, yeah! Why go lookin' for 'em when one's right here?" He looked over at Dave who had sat back up, watching the floating figure.

"Hey," Dave called out to it, "why were you in my room anyway?"

"Like, just our house in general. Did ya live here?" Bro added.

The ghost fidgeted, "I don't owe you fuckall of answers! Just get out!"

Dirk shook his head, "I don't think we can, we have school and-"

"But maybe," Dave said quietly, more to himself than anyone else in the room, "we can help get you out."

The ghost snorted, "You think you can scare me?"

Dave shook his head as he stood up and the ghost floated behind him as he walked to his closet. He pulled a large book from the top shelf. He plopped the big, black, leather bound book onto his bed. It read GRIMOIRE in bold, purple lettering. He opened it up and flipped around a few pages. Dirk and Bro approached him to watch him turning the pages. "Fuck, it's here...uh...somewhere…" he replied as he flipped aggressively.

Bro reached around him and slid one long finger between the papers and flipped it forward a couple hundred or so pages. Dave looked up at him and he just gave a wink.

"Anyway, this. I read this awhile ago. It says apparitions, AKA screaming floating dude, are trapped in places that were important during their lives and that like...there's something still tying him here. Like, something he majorly fucked up or is super pissed off about and needs revenge. If we fix whatever that is, he can leave."

Dirk and Bro nodded, "So," one of them started, "what exactly is his fuckin deal?" the other finished and all eyes turned to the ghost.

"I didn't come here for a fucking therapy session I just-"

Dirk took a seat on the end of Dave's bed on the other side of the book. "Dude, we just wanna help. Don't you wanna like...make it to the light or whatever?"

The ghost growled as he looked back and forth between each Strider, "Fine." he reluctantly replied, "I'm not fucking doing this for you though, it's for-"

"Fuck wait, don't say anything!" Bro shouted before he ran out of the room. Dave and Dirk shared a confused look with the ghost as they sat in silence for a few minutes before Bro returned with their camcorder. "Okay, cool, now go. Tell your sob story, ghost boy."

"It's not a sob story!" The ghost shouted but none of the boys paid him any attention. He sighed. "My name is, was...Karkat."

"Fuckin' weird," Dirk heard Dave mumble to himself and elbowed his cousin in the side.

Karkat growled at them before continuing, "I didn't live here, someone I knew did. He was...fuck! I don't wanna do this!"

Bro spoke from behind the camera, "Come on, dude, no judgement here. Out with it."

"There was this guy who lived here that I liked but he didn't like me then we both died and I can't find him. THERE! That's it! Now throw some fucking holy water and exorcise me so I don't have to deal with you shitheads anymore."

"That's it?" Dave asked, flipping through some other pages in the book.

"What do you mean "is that it?" Yes, that's fucking it! I poured out my whole life's goddamned story so now what are you going to fucking do?" Karkat shouted.

Dirk was quiet for a minute before speaking, "How do you know he didn't like you?"

"Well, who the hell would like me?"

"Touche" Bro said with a smirk but Dirk glared at him.

"So you never told him?" Dirk asked and Karkat shook his head.

The ghostly boy floated towards Dave's window and stared out into the night. "And now I never can."

"Oh my god, cut out the angsty shit. We just gotta find this kid and you confess your literal undying love for him and move the fuck on right?" Dave asked as his finger flitted across the page and stopped at one word. "And this is how we do it: a seance."

Dirk and Bro both looked at him, in unison asking, "Seance!?"

"I don't know lil man, fuckin with that...what if we bring back the wrong guy?" Bro asked, combing his fingers through his hair.

"Or it's not human at all…" Dirk added quietly but Dave brushed them off as he closed the book.

He placed the book on his dresser and crawled back into bed. "If y'all think of something better, let me know in the morning. For now, I gotta get to sleep and you guys should too." Dave turned his attention to Karkat. "You gotta find somewhere else to float in eternal anger, my rooms a chill-zone and you're fuckin up the vibes."

Dirk and Bro exchanged concerned looks as Bro walked out followed by Dirk. Bro stood in the doorway and nodded at Karkat, trying to get him to follow. It took some coaxing but eventually he huffed and puffed his way out of Dave's room. The other Striders found their way back to their rooms while Karkat took to hovering around the living room.

Karkat was used to time slipping in a very different way than when he was alive. He could sit there, completely still, for 20 minutes and discover it was actually 4 hours. Sometimes the night dragged on and on after less than 5 minutes had passed. He wished he could sleep through the long, boring hours. Instead, he waited. He watched the hands on the clock turn agonizingly slowly.

Eventually, he heard the birds start to chirp outside the house and a chorus of alarms going off throughout. He watched the Striders emerge from their respective rooms. Bro went straight to the kitchen before he even got dressed. Dave was laying face down on the couch in his pjs, groaning about not wanting to wake up. Dirk was nowhere to be found but the shower could be heard running.

Karkat floated over to Bro and watched him crack an egg in a skillet and proceed to scrape bits of shell out with a fork. He drifted over to the couch just in time to see Dave roll face first onto the floor and looked up to see Dirk exit the bathroom in a towel. He dried his hair with a second as he spoke, "Dave, you should probably get up."

Dave's reply was a quiet groan before he clambered to his feet and sluggishly made his way to his room. Karkat floated behind him, phasing through the door as Dave shut it in his face. "So what do you do all day?" Dave asked, startling Karkat who thought he'd been pretty sneaky. Dave was pulling his shirt off as he turned to face Karkat. "You just float around? Can you sleep?"

Karkat quickly turned away from him, focusing on a corner of Dave's room, trying to ignore the sound of fabric hitting the floor. "I can't sleep. I just float around and look…"

"For your boyfriend?"

"He wasn't my boyfriend!" Karkat yelled, nearly rounding to look at Dave before catching himself. He let out a sigh, "Even if I find him I don't know what the fuck to even say."

"Just like, be honest. What's the worst that happens? Y'all are already dead."

Karkat rolled his eyes as he drifted to a different corner of Dave's room. "His bed used to be over here. The guy was like, all fuckin' gung-ho about being a host and made me sleep on the bed and he would sleep on the floor. I told him it was stupid but he never let me sleep on the floor."

Dave finished dressing and ran his fingers through his hair, brushing his bangs out of his eyes before sliding his shades back on. "Sounds like a pretty chill guy."

"That guy has never once chilled in his whole entire fucking life." Karkat remarked, but Dave could sense a hint of a smile as he spoke.

"We'll find him, dude."

"Thanks."

Dirk sat cross legged on the floor of Bro's basement bedroom with his laptop in front of him. "I don't know how to pronounce half of this." He said to himself quietly as he scrolled down the page. He had spent every spare moment of school finding how-to articles on seances at school. He had read interviews with professional mediums. According to all his resources, this had to work.

"Whatever, dude, give it shot." Bro said encouragingly from his position by the door, his hand on the light switch. Dirk gave Dave a small nod of his head and the youngest Strider swiped a match and lit a candle on the floor between them. Bro hit the lights and joined them on the floor.

Karkat was floating a few inches behind Dirk, reading the laptop screen. "What kinda dumbass wrote this?" he asked himself and Dirk shot a look back at him. Karkat grumbled as he floated closer to Dave.

Dirk cleared his throat and began to speak a language neither of the other Striders had heard before. Karkat didn't recognize it either. He kept backtracking and trying to fix his pronunciation blunders here and there. Dirk held out his hands and looked at his cousins who shared a glance before the three all joined hands. "Repeat after me," Dirk instructed but Bro and Dave only got so far before Bro cut him off.

"Nah fuck this, this ain't working."

Dirk looked up confused and Dave smirked, holding in a laugh.

"The kid only died like, what? 10 years ago?"

"6." Karkat corrected and Bro shrugged.

"Same difference. Point is, he ain't gonna know what the fuck you're saying. He's just like...a regular guy right? Why don't we just talk to him like a regular guy?"

Karkat shared a look with Dirk but Dave was totally on board. Bro cleared his throat and held out his hands for his brother and cousin to take hold of.

"Hey dead kid, we know you're here. Your shouty secret admirer is definitely off putting but you ain't gonna get rid of him by avoiding shit. Can you just like, show up, tell him to fuck off, and let us get back to our lives? I failed my calculus test today and I'm blaming it on ghost shit if ya'll don't talk it out."

Dave snickered and Dirk let out a sigh. Karkat was screaming but they were trying to ignore him. "How is that supposed to fucking help!?" he yelled and Bro shrugged.

"I'm just being honest about our current, just like, situation here."

Dave rolled his eyes, "KK's right Bro. We gotta be like, delicate and shit. We're dealin' with after life romance. Corpse Bride shit, ya know? We gotta like, appeal to him, get him to like us so he feels comfortable talking to us." Dave reached out and they joined hands for a third time, but this time he left a gap between himself and Dirk and invited Karkat to join in.

"My name's Dave Strider." Dave spoke clearly, "And this is my Bro, and my cousin Dirk. We're looking for a guy by the name of, uh," he looked to Karkat for help and waited for his reply, "a, uh, a John Egbert? If you're here, we just wanna talk for a while. You don't gotta stay long. See your friend here, Karkat - he's got a thing for you, man." He heard Karkat let out a sound of protest and try to pull away but Dave held onto him tight. "No pressure or anything like, I'm sure you got ghost shit to do, probably real fucking busy. But we just wanna chat for a bit. We've probably got a lot of shit in common. I mean, a guy has a crush on you. I get crushes on guys. Lots to talk about down here in Strider Couples Therapy so if you don't care to just-"

Dave was cut off by a sound from Bro's computer. Something whirred for a second before it turned off completely. The small flame atop the candle centered between them wavered for a second. He watched the fire slowly become a pale blue color. Bro's lights flicked on, the one over head as well as a lamp in the corner. They were only on for a moment before the light bulbs blew. Dirk jumped back, and they all let go of each other's hands.

Karkat perked up and looked around the room, the only light being the small candle. "John?" He called out a couple times.

Bro ran over to the light switch and flicked it up and down to no avail. Dirk reached for his phone in his pocket but it wouldn't turn on. He clicked the power button over and over but nothing happened. Dave sat close to the candle and watched the blue tinted flame grow larger and larger. It stopped resembling a flame and slowly grew into a blue orb of light. Dave scooted back and watched the light rise from the candle to hover several feet in the air. He reached behind him and found one of Bro's shitty swords leaned against the wall. He held it out in front of him and pointed it at the light. Dirk and Bro had apparently gotten similar ideas, both of them wielding whatever blade was closest to them. The light vaguely pulsated and a dark figure started to form within it.

Karkat hovered closer and closer to it while the Striders struggled to their feet, surrounding it from different corners of the room. The light was almost blinding at this point when the black figure suddenly grew rapidly and the light was sucked completely back inside it. The Strider's covered their shaded eyes for just a moment before peeking back to see a boy, hovering a few feet away from Karkat. He had dark hair and a bluish aura to him. His waist gave way to a swirling, ghostly mist, much like Karkat's lower body. The boy looked around the room, his smile slowly fading to that of concern.

"Uh, hey?" John said, questioningly, as he took in all three dangerously sharp swords pointed directly at him. "You called?"

Dirk held the chair as Bro twisted a new light bulb into the ceiling of his room. "That was so extra but cool as fuck." He said excitedly, looking down at his cousin who smiled up at him.

Dave screwed a bulb into the lamp as he looked over at John and Karkat. They were hovering in a corner of Bro's room, talking quietly. Well, John was quiet. Karkat's voice slowly got louder and louder before John asked him to bring it back down. Dave clicked the lamp back on as he approached the older Striders. "Ya'll know what they're talking about?"

"How to suck ghost dick." Bro said as he kept his eyes fixed on the bulb above him.

Dave snickered but Dirk shook his head, "I wish he were joking but I'm actually pretty sure that's what they're talking about."

"So the guy liked him back then?"

"I guess so."

Dave was quiet and Bro hopped off the chair before putting his arm around his shoulders, "What, were you hoping it wouldn't work out so he'd be yours?"

"Nah, man, nothing like that, I just-"

Bro put his hand on Dave's head and ruffled his hair before he flash stepped to his computer, turning it on and trying to make sure John's freaky power outage thing hadn't fucked it up too bad. Dave combed his hair with his fingers before looking at Dirk. "I'm serious, I don't like the guy like that."

Dirk shrugged, "I believe you, dude. He's just, ya know because of what you said earlier. About getting crushes on guys...you meant that, right?"

"Shit," Dave mumbled as he crossed his arms and looked back at his bro. "I was just trying to, like, relate to him ya know? I-I don't, uh, I mean I'm not like…"

Dirk smirked and shook his head, "You don't have to do that."

Dave let out a sigh as he looked back at Dirk, "Look, just don't tell Bro it was real alright? Let him think I lied. Like, I'll do your homework for a week. Just don't tell him."

"Dave, you're a grade behind me." Dirk replied but he could see the look on Dave's face as he looked back at his older brother. "But I won't tell him. It's cool. I understand...like...all of it…I know why you don't want him to know so bad."

"A-all of it?" Dave asked and his breath caught in his throat. He coughed and tried to push the blush down, "I don't know what the fuck you're saying. I don't like anyone, I-"

Dirk raised an eyebrow, "Dude, I just mean that like, we're batting for the same team?" Dave's line of sight fell back onto Bro as he smacked at his computer screen. "Dave?" Dave looked back at him.

"Huh, what?"

"I just meant I'm gay too."

"Fuck dude, don't scare me like that, I thought you knew that I like-"

"Oh, but it's also super obvious you have the hots for your brother, too."


End file.
